I Put The Dick In Contradiction

“There was a time when I was Handsome/There was a time when I had money to burn/There was a time when, where I landed, it was the least of my/ Lord is was the least of my concern/ But it hurts to lean back in handcuffs/ Like 9 kinds of shame turned to rage/ As a younger man, i might have put up a fight/ But I feel like such a fool at my age.”- Todd Snider (Opening line from Greencastle Blues)

 

Medical issues and things that annoy me: For the first time in my life, both are on lists that seem to grow every year. Given, I have learned (to a certain degree) not to sweat the small stuff (which actually helps with a few of the aforementioned medical issues) but I find that with age comes an even lower threshold for the pain I feel when graced by the presence of bullshit. Bullshit arguments, bullshit statistics.. it’s become my Marcia Brady…. Bullshit, Bullshit, Bullshit!!!

Here’s the deal though.. I’m full of shit too. Violently. I constantly voice my opinions on issues that I haven’t properly researched, I can be very dismissive of people who don’t share the same opinion as me because, as the smartest person on the planet, to not agree with me MUST mean you are an idiot. I am a walking contradiction.. guilty of the same cultural and conversational crimes I verbally convict others of committing. I’m an asshole is what I’m saying. The only difference between Corey:The Adult, and Corey:The Teenager  is that Corey: The Adult KNOWS that he is full of shit yet continues to go about his merry way.

This doesn’t seem to be the general consensus on what it means to be an “Adult”, but so far it has been my favorite part of growing up. The constant increase in self realization coupled with marginally increased levels of “Not giving a fuck what people think anymore” really opens you up to being the most YOU version of YOU that YOU can ever aspire to be. I think that’s important. At least once a day I get told some version of “It’s OK to think that, but you shouldn’t say it.” (Ironically this is usually from someone who supports Donald Trump).. I think that is complete and utter (wait for it) BULLSHIT. I want everyone to say exactly how they feel. Wear your opinions like Company Logos on a Nascar Jacket. “But what if my friends don’t like me any more because of it:(?” They aren’t your friend, Jack.

Realistically this is probably the opposite of how you should conduct yourself… at least in a professional sense, but brutal honesty is appreciated by people like me (See: Idiots). It let’s you know immediately if you like someone or not. You remember back before Facebook when you had to get to know someone before you could tell if they were insane or not? People could drag you along for years without you finding out who they ACTUALLY are. Now you meet someone.. check their Facebook and see that they have recently shared a link to the video for Butterfly (Come My Lady) by Crazytown, and you just know they can go die in a hole forever. It’s great.

I suppose I have matured a little in my time on earth.. Last night, at 28, I went to a frat party and literally the only thing I could think of was how pointless it was for every single light in the house to be on. Do they not give a shit about their electric bill out all?  “You guys know if you broke down these boxes you actually COULD fit them in this industrial size garbage can you have that in no way belongs in a kitchen that isn’t a fucking Applebees?” I pointed out to a group of kids while they looked at me like I was using a rotary phone to order socks from a catalog.

Against my better judgment (considering everything I’ve ever done falls under this category, I guess it’s safe to say I’m a shitty judge) I decided to go to a bar with these 20 year old guys and gals. Most of them used fake ID’s to get into the bar… I didn’t even have to use my ACTUAL ID. We drank for hours. The kids were worried that I wouldn’t be able to “Keep up”. I of course matched everyone drink for drink and spent the last part of the night talking to a police officer about The Steelers while everyone else either puked or had an existential crisis about their shitty boyfriend. It was great.  It was great because at 28 you get to be who you are. There is no Bullshit. While all the frat guys made sure the sleeves on their button ups were rolled up to the proper length, I was fat and happy in my wranglers, thermal shirt, ranch jacket and ball cap aka The Brett Favre collection.

Please believe me when I say I’m not judging these guys (I am).. they are better looking than me, hipper, smarter.. in way better shape, and most likely will be more successful than me. They will say the right things at the right times and keep their opinions to themsleves..Meanwhile ill be over here wearing comfortable pants, drinking beer, and saying “fuck” in front of a preacher…. One day I’ll ACTUALLY grow up. 28 just still isn’t it. Cheers

There’s Always Football

The Turkey. The Packers Vs. The Lions. The Drunk Uncle.

If ever there were Tentpoles for the American Thanksgiving, these are certainly the ones that come to my mind first.

 

When I was a kid it seemed like The Packers played The Lions every year on Thanksgiving. I just looked it up and that has only been the case 6 times since I’ve been alive, three of which were in my adult years. That just can’t be. I associate Brett Favre and Barry Sanders with Turkey more than I ever did The Pilgrims or Native Americans. What gives? Oh well, I suppose those were just the ones that stuck. That makes a lot of sense to me because the one common thread in my relationship with my father (aside from Banana Pudding) has always been sports… mainly Football.

Our family gatherings back in my formative years were quite the tumultuous occasions. I had a Drunk Grandmother, a Tea-Totaling  Grandmother, an Uncle on Meth, Aunts who I had no idea were not my Aunts, convicted felons playing pool for money in the kids play-room, and usually enough Black Cats left over from The 4th of July to provoke Papaw Ernest’s heart into yet another inconvinient embolism. But there was always Football.

turkey mess

I remember my Dad getting unusually stressed out before we went for a Family Dinner of any kind. I never understood that and more often than not would be mad at him for it. Good God all mighty is it ever clear that my Father was right. The Holidays, in theory are great, but in practice they usually send your anxiety sky rocketing while your serotonin levels drop off to near comatose status due to the mixture of alcohol and tryptophan. “If I actually gave a shit about what these people thought about the Refugees, wouldn’t I see them more than TWICE IN A GOD DAMN YEAR?!?” you’ll find yourself mouthing in the mirror while a single tear rolls down your face. But there’s always Football.

 

Looking back on those Holiday parties, more so than my Father being stressed about the in-laws and the mind numbing conversations, more than I can remember him griping on the way to, and the way home from the party.. more than any of that, I can remember the solaced look that would come over his face when the first game would come on and he could just melt away into the couch. Not a care in the world.  Just Football.

 

Now that I am older, I’m going to take this page from my Dad’s playbook and I suggest you do the same. When they ask “What are you going to do with your life?” or “Why can’t you find a good woman!” or the always popular “Well if you aren’t a christian then why don’t you just MURDER ALL THE TIME!”. Don’t get mad. Don’t even answer. Just take a sip of Beer, smile, and remember…. There’s always Football.

 

 

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone.

 

Corey

An Open Letter to My Mother. 

  
Hey Mom, 

Do you remember back when I was like, 5 years old and I told you I wanted to be a comedian? Yeah. Of course you do. You told me to go for it. That’s the coolest thing ever, but boy do I wish sometimes you had told me I just wasn’t that funny. I mean, that would have been a lie.. I was undeniable as even a toddler, but you lied to me plenty as a kid (Santa, God, “pickled beets are good, you’re just stupid) so I don’t see why you picked this topic to start being supportive and honest. 

It’s lonely out here, mom. I go up and kill and feel good for about an hour and a half. Then I get home and feel like I did before I left. Worse actually, because now I’m alone with it all. Anxiety, depression, demons, self loathing, addictions… Waiting right there in the living room. Welcoming me with a smile. 

I wasn’t always this way. Well.. It was always there. That’s why I started doing this.. 

 But I’m the one who nurtured it into adulthood. I decided to be the center of attention. I decided to do the drugs. I decided to romanticize it all based on the actions of my “heroes”. That’s on me. That’s not your fault. 

No mom, your only fault was loving me too much and seeing remarkable potential in your baby boy. I used to resent you for that from time to time. When I’m on the road eating food that makes me feel like shit and drinking all the booze in Kentucky to slow the wheels down long enough to sleep.. I think of you and get mad that you didn’t encourage me to be a lawyer, or Doctor, or go into advertising like dad. 

Here’s the thing though.. I get it now. You knew I wouldn’t listen to you anyways. You knew me before I knew me. No one in our family, man or woman has ever done anything that they didn’t want to do. You realized that early on and instead of fighting it, you braced yourself for it. Damn. What a brave woman you are. 

I don’t know how this is gonna end, mom. No one does. I don’t know whether I’m gonna be able to buy you and dad a house in Florida, or struggle to get a mega bus home for Christmas when I’m 40. I don’t know. All I know is that I love it and it’s all I love. 

Thank you for doing the opposite of your instincts and not talking sense into me. I’m doing the only thing I know how, and I love you for it. 
I love you, mom. 
‘Corey. 

Scruffy City Comedy Festival 

  
If the title of the post and subsequent photograph hasn’t given to much away, I will be performing at The Scruffy City Comedy Festival November 13-15 in beautiful Downtown Knoxville, TN. 

SUCH a good lineup this year with tons of familiar faces. I’m looking forward to it and you should too! Get your bracelets right now and come hang out!!

Meals on Wheels Hittin Me Right in The Feels 

About 30 minutes ago I was waiting on the elevator in my building. I had my headphones in as I (and every one else in New York) tend to do but I could sense that the lady next to me was trying to say something to me so I removed them. “Are they ever gonna get these elevators fixed?” She asked with a half grin, “I work with Meals on Wheels and this stop on my route is always a pain”. I told her that I too was perturbed by the elevators, especially on late nights when my bladder and I weren’t seeing eye to eye. She laughed. 
She asked what I did and after finding out I was a comedian she asked me to meet her back in the lobby in 5 minutes with a business card. This meant dropping off my groceries and getting BACK on the pain in the ass elevator.. But she seemed like a nice enough lady so I obliged. I couldn’t find any of my business cards (mainly because I don’t have any) so I wrote my name and number on the back of my grocery receipt in purple crayon and headed back downstairs. (The beauty of being a comedian is being able to be 8 forever). 
There was Paula waiting for me in the lobby like she said she would be. I handed her my “business card” and we shared a laugh. Then as she was walking off she stopped in her tracks, turned around and said “Hey… Miss Lebowitz didn’t want her lunch today.. So here you go. No need in letting it go to waste!” She handed me the food, I thanked her and she left. 
Miss Lebowitz, I hope the reason that you didn’t want your lunch wasn’t because you were ill. I truly wish you the best, but know this, I’m eating the shit out of your Salmon come dinner time. 
Take care, Paula. 

 

New dates, News, and other stuff..

Hello everybody,

This is a new website, so it’s blank. I apologize for looking so gosh darn unprofessional, but the last Web Host I used decided to go out of business.. so here I am in the wonderful world of Word Press. i have no idea what I am doing, but that gives us an opportunity to learn and grow together.. which is just the most fun you can have.

I normally do not work much  the month of December due to family birthdays and Jesus being (allegedly) born and what not, but I do have 2 shows that you can attend if you are in the area.

December 17th I will be at Whiskey River in Knoxville Tennessee with my good buddy Big Ed Caylor

December 27th* I will be at Legends in Atlanta as part of CMT’s B.A.R Tour with Rocky Dale Davis (Redneck Island)

*will be headlining (Aren’t asterisks fun?)

In 2015, I will be jumping back on the road and coming to a city near you.. so be sure to check back periodically to find out where I am.. I will be starting an email list and you can sign up for that so you will get personalized updates when i am near you.. that way you can come laugh at me and buy the things that i sell so that i can then leave your town, and return at a later date a more wealthy and fulfilled man.

I look forward to seeing you all out there. Cheers and blessings.

Corey